At the age of 52, I became a widow. Although God gave me dreams to prepare me—I still wasn’t prepared. The best way to describe how it feels to be a widow is found in Ruth, when Naomi says ‘the Lord’s hand has turned against me’ (Ruth 1:13b). When she returned to her homeland (with Ruth), she told the women to call her Mara--‘Almighty has made my life very bitter’. She felt afflicted by misfortune. But, we see how God took care of her through Boaz marrying Ruth. Even in that story, we see where God instructed the people to leave something in the fields for the foreigners, fatherless and widows. It was in the fields where Boaz saw Ruth. God turned that pain to purpose. That is something we have to realize as we go about this journey of widowhood.
Days after my late husband’s death, I looked up scriptures on widows. When I looked at the parable in Luke 18, Jesus used a persistent widow as an example to always pray and not give up. I felt being persistent was a character trait for widows. Paul wrote in I Timothy 5 about the widows putting their hope in God and to continue to pray day and night for others and for their needs—being a service. It goes there with the older widows—60 and up and the younger below. The younger one needs to marry, so to speak. Paul wrote in I Corinthians 7:8 concerning unmarried widows that it is good for them if they abide as he did—marriage is additional stress in an already stressful time. This is his suggestion, not a command. In verse 32-34 (MSG), he explains you can live as free of complications as possible. You’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing God and not going there with the domestic life and wanting to please your spouse—leading to so many more demands on your attention. You can spend this time becoming whole and holy instruments of God. Going back to I Timothy, if you read other translations, you’ll see the words, ‘idle’, ‘gossip’ and ‘busybodies’. If you aren’t doing a service to God—well, you can find yourself idle, gossiping and a busybody.
In Mark 12 I read about the widow and her offering. Jesus was looking at the widow with his disciples and many rich people threw in large amounts. But, a poor widow came and put in 2 very small copper coins, worth only a few cents. Jesus pointed out that the poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. I thought about the poor widow and how she gave her all. She didn’t think about her situation—being poor and a widow. She didn’t go there with what she could do with the few cents. She gave because she knew her God! She knew that God would perfect everything that concerned her (Psalms 138:8) and would work all things together for her good (Romans 8:28). Also, fight whatever battle it is for her (2 Chron 20:15) and be her power in weakness (2 Cor 12:9). God is able to do immeasurably more than all she can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20)!
There are days that I wake up and I’m fine. I miss my late husband and hearing him call me by the pet name he gave me—‘Pumpkin’. I miss holding hands, the hugs and his soft kisses on my lips. There are days his memory is so vivid that it’s hard to believe that he is no longer with me. I might just smile at the memory or do a downpour of tears. It was so hard at first to feel engaged. I felt as if I was an outsider looking through the windows and everyone was having a good time! I was trying to get in but couldn’t! Physically, I was there, but I had lost the edge. I learned from reading the ‘Fervent’ prayer book by Priscilla Shirer that God is the one who gave me the edge. And, if the edge is gone—it wasn’t my fault; I can go to God in prayer for the edge to return. I went to God with all my pain and hurt and each day, things got lighter. He became my strength in my weakness! I learned about God’s peace—it doesn’t take you out of the storms, it guards you in them!
I have wonderful girlfriends; they’ve been there for me from day one and way after the funeral, but they have their own lives. So, I had to learn to do things alone. I traveled, went to the movies and dined alone. I colored, too and a few times I would color while listening to gospel jazz. I read—a few times, I made reading an experience by burning a candle and sip a cup of hot green tea as I read. From traveling to Chicago to meet my niece, I found myself enjoying going to museums. I want to do more of that. Also, when going to LA for Thanksgiving at my nephew and his wife’s home, I enjoyed the fresh flowers throughout their house. It was warm and inviting. So, I’m going to buy myself some flowers. As widows we are vulnerable, but vulnerability can be a tool of creativity. Strengthen your strong points.
In my conclusion, there are a lot of widows at my church and I guess, I wanted to re-define being a widow. I piled stacks of bangles, cut my hair I don’t know how many times and worked bold lips! My girlfriend, Mel, called me fierce! But, let me tell you, I’d never thought I would be able to work a red lip color! On Christmas (2016), after church service I was given a gift. I asked the minister why and he said because I am a widow and my heart just sunk! How dare he call me a widow when I’m wearing red lipstick! At that moment, I realized no matter how I tried to re-define being a widow—at the end of the day, week, month and year, I’m still a widow! However, it’s just a title, it’s not my authenticity. As I continue to seek God in prayer and studying the Word, I will learn more of Him. Therefore, I will become more of what He created me to be—not those titles. We have a purpose for such a time as this!
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